Typical Namibian National Assembly session: Debating national development 31 years after independence
Speaker: We open this session in the name of our Lord and Saviour, amen. Horrible Members, I welcome you all. We are all mindful of the terrible odour in this august house of Swapo. May I have the confirmation of the indentities of all the extinguished members who will take the floor in this important debate about the past-future of this country. We also need to establish if the house has the necessary chorus for the proceedings to continue, as per the Constipation of the Banana Republic of Former South-West Africa. I take it that all parties are represented by their presidents. Please raise your end before you puke. Thank you.
Swapo: Represented by the Almost-Freedom-Fighter-in-Chief: I am the oldest hiya, I was elected by the biggest margin ever - 87% - you can Google it. We talk-talk-talk about change in the future. What change? Development is hiya. Look at the cars outside. And corruption-corruption, everybody talking. Me and my ex, my wife declared everything. Swapo is everything hiya in Namibia. And Swapo is me, except for tribalists. Born under the tree, no mother, no father and so on. People must learn respect. I was almost a freedom fighter. I was beaten up by students in Lusaka. Blood, SWANU. I was almost taken to the Lubango dungeons to make my contribution to the struggle. No need for change. I am hiya. Or you vote me out!
PDM: Represented by the Decent Politician-in-Chief: Honourable Speaker, the Namibian nation needs to see and witness a proper parliamentary debate, like in mature democracies of the world. We are here to deliberate on matters of the future, of development of this country. Mbimehungire mba hinakukejakeja kako! As the Leader of the Official Opposition, I am ready to take over the reign of this country and put this country on the right trajectory of sustainable development. Just like my dear brothers Lazarus Chakwera in Malawi and Hakainde Hichilema in Zambia. The fundamentals must be put right.
SWANU: Represented by Mr Reminder-in-Chief: Speaker, Extinguished Members, I wish to start by quoting from a statement by the Herero Chiefs’ Council of 1956, long before there was anything called Swapo. The Herero Chiefs’ Council reminded South Africa and the world at large that we were a nation ready to govern ourselves and join other nations. Swapo keeps forgetting that. The past is important!
NUDO: Represented by the Herero Museum Curator-in-Chief: This country is experiencing a lot of social problems. The skulls of members in this house need serious psychological examination. The ministry of health can begin to work on this. Nudo is neither here nor there, but we are serious about restoring our legacy. No future without the skulls! Healthy skulls!
LPM: Represented by the Land Claimant-in-Chief: Speaker, before I get to the unquestionable small-mindedness and buffoonery of the ruling party leadership, Mr Speaker you are failing this house. This is the National Assembly, neither a Swapo echo chamber nor your private house. Before I am accused of being too emotional, let me make it clear that the records across the length and breadth of this Land of the Brave - where everyone is fearful of Swapo except the fearless people of the LPM - are demanding land. The land of their ancestors which is being taken and vandalised through corruption while the Owambo-pleasing president is only eating and drinking and being a good Owambo-in-law! Allowing the land to be restolen by his in-laws from across the red line.
RP: Represented by the Virtual Republican-in-Chief: Mr Chairman, the Republican Party is what my father was committed to, and it was to unite all the people of Namibia, including whites, as one nation with sound democratic values and a good work ethic. Swapo lost all that, all of it. If you give me this country for just three years, you will not recognise it.
RDP: Represented by the Has-Been-in-Chief: Honoured Speaker, the circumstances that led to the establishment of the RDP have not changed substantially. Sam Nujoma is still alive, and the future is at stake. We need Progress and Change!
APP: Represented by the Internationalist-in-Chief: Mr Speaker, you remember I met you in London when you were the victim of Swapo’s divide-and-rule politics. We spoke. My party was launched in Rundu, but it is not a Kavango party. Those who know me know that I hate tribalism. I am an internationalist with Cuban characteristics and those kinds of things. We are all Namibians.
UDF: Represented by the DTA Leftover-in-Chief: Honourable Speaker, we have been, we have seen, we are still around. In Okakarara. And we were never really against Swapo. The photos are there.
CDV: Represented by the Protestant-in-Chief: This is a Christian country. Swapo is a communist organisation. Bring the Bible back to our schools.
IPC: Represented by the Chief Patriot: Namibia is all we had until we came around. Namibia was fine when some of us were political prisoners and tortured and lost our minds. My brain is sick. However, various articles of the constitution restore the brains of those whose water is full of blood in all the constituencies where I walked fully dressed in church clothes. The IPC will Kontinwa to endeavour to march in accordance with Article 3, sub-article Roman 5, Chapter 100 of the Rules and Regulations of the Wisdom Teeth and Dental Council of Glasgow, Northern Ireland, United Kingdom.
NEFF: Represented by a Head Malema-Wannabe: Mr Speaker Sir, the signs are very clear. A Marikana type of event in Namibia is about to happen if it has not happened yet in our lifetime. Our red movement, like in South Africa, is to ensure that economic emancipation happens in our lifetime. Our red overalls factory is addressing that right now.
Speaker: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Did we leave anyone out?
AR: Represented by Roaving Activist-in-Chief: Professor Speaker, this country suffers from one singular post-colonial political problem, a conundrum as political scientists would call it. It is a post-colony anti-Frantz Fanon phenomenon of having too many Tatekulus and Kukus who take too long to cross the road or answer the phone. We want the future. Decolonise your minds and let the youth, I mean me, take all the positions in the country. Motivational Speaker, Dean of the University, Unchained Executive Mayor, Real Estate Owner, Organic Intellectual, Union Leader and Future President. The time is now for the youth to steer the revolution, and we shall make this country look like it was in 1990. I am ready to change this country, just check the labels and stars on my new clothes as a serious revolutionary in this country. As one revolutionary said: I have seen the future and it works. If you ask questions, you are irrelevant. Otoafraida and we will cum after you!
Speaker: Thank you, thank you, thank you, Horrible Members. On that note of the coming revolution, I shall dissolve the session till His Expired The President tells me what to do. Amen.
*Professor Joseph Diescho is a Namibian academic and writer based in Germany.
Swapo: Represented by the Almost-Freedom-Fighter-in-Chief: I am the oldest hiya, I was elected by the biggest margin ever - 87% - you can Google it. We talk-talk-talk about change in the future. What change? Development is hiya. Look at the cars outside. And corruption-corruption, everybody talking. Me and my ex, my wife declared everything. Swapo is everything hiya in Namibia. And Swapo is me, except for tribalists. Born under the tree, no mother, no father and so on. People must learn respect. I was almost a freedom fighter. I was beaten up by students in Lusaka. Blood, SWANU. I was almost taken to the Lubango dungeons to make my contribution to the struggle. No need for change. I am hiya. Or you vote me out!
PDM: Represented by the Decent Politician-in-Chief: Honourable Speaker, the Namibian nation needs to see and witness a proper parliamentary debate, like in mature democracies of the world. We are here to deliberate on matters of the future, of development of this country. Mbimehungire mba hinakukejakeja kako! As the Leader of the Official Opposition, I am ready to take over the reign of this country and put this country on the right trajectory of sustainable development. Just like my dear brothers Lazarus Chakwera in Malawi and Hakainde Hichilema in Zambia. The fundamentals must be put right.
SWANU: Represented by Mr Reminder-in-Chief: Speaker, Extinguished Members, I wish to start by quoting from a statement by the Herero Chiefs’ Council of 1956, long before there was anything called Swapo. The Herero Chiefs’ Council reminded South Africa and the world at large that we were a nation ready to govern ourselves and join other nations. Swapo keeps forgetting that. The past is important!
NUDO: Represented by the Herero Museum Curator-in-Chief: This country is experiencing a lot of social problems. The skulls of members in this house need serious psychological examination. The ministry of health can begin to work on this. Nudo is neither here nor there, but we are serious about restoring our legacy. No future without the skulls! Healthy skulls!
LPM: Represented by the Land Claimant-in-Chief: Speaker, before I get to the unquestionable small-mindedness and buffoonery of the ruling party leadership, Mr Speaker you are failing this house. This is the National Assembly, neither a Swapo echo chamber nor your private house. Before I am accused of being too emotional, let me make it clear that the records across the length and breadth of this Land of the Brave - where everyone is fearful of Swapo except the fearless people of the LPM - are demanding land. The land of their ancestors which is being taken and vandalised through corruption while the Owambo-pleasing president is only eating and drinking and being a good Owambo-in-law! Allowing the land to be restolen by his in-laws from across the red line.
RP: Represented by the Virtual Republican-in-Chief: Mr Chairman, the Republican Party is what my father was committed to, and it was to unite all the people of Namibia, including whites, as one nation with sound democratic values and a good work ethic. Swapo lost all that, all of it. If you give me this country for just three years, you will not recognise it.
RDP: Represented by the Has-Been-in-Chief: Honoured Speaker, the circumstances that led to the establishment of the RDP have not changed substantially. Sam Nujoma is still alive, and the future is at stake. We need Progress and Change!
APP: Represented by the Internationalist-in-Chief: Mr Speaker, you remember I met you in London when you were the victim of Swapo’s divide-and-rule politics. We spoke. My party was launched in Rundu, but it is not a Kavango party. Those who know me know that I hate tribalism. I am an internationalist with Cuban characteristics and those kinds of things. We are all Namibians.
UDF: Represented by the DTA Leftover-in-Chief: Honourable Speaker, we have been, we have seen, we are still around. In Okakarara. And we were never really against Swapo. The photos are there.
CDV: Represented by the Protestant-in-Chief: This is a Christian country. Swapo is a communist organisation. Bring the Bible back to our schools.
IPC: Represented by the Chief Patriot: Namibia is all we had until we came around. Namibia was fine when some of us were political prisoners and tortured and lost our minds. My brain is sick. However, various articles of the constitution restore the brains of those whose water is full of blood in all the constituencies where I walked fully dressed in church clothes. The IPC will Kontinwa to endeavour to march in accordance with Article 3, sub-article Roman 5, Chapter 100 of the Rules and Regulations of the Wisdom Teeth and Dental Council of Glasgow, Northern Ireland, United Kingdom.
NEFF: Represented by a Head Malema-Wannabe: Mr Speaker Sir, the signs are very clear. A Marikana type of event in Namibia is about to happen if it has not happened yet in our lifetime. Our red movement, like in South Africa, is to ensure that economic emancipation happens in our lifetime. Our red overalls factory is addressing that right now.
Speaker: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Did we leave anyone out?
AR: Represented by Roaving Activist-in-Chief: Professor Speaker, this country suffers from one singular post-colonial political problem, a conundrum as political scientists would call it. It is a post-colony anti-Frantz Fanon phenomenon of having too many Tatekulus and Kukus who take too long to cross the road or answer the phone. We want the future. Decolonise your minds and let the youth, I mean me, take all the positions in the country. Motivational Speaker, Dean of the University, Unchained Executive Mayor, Real Estate Owner, Organic Intellectual, Union Leader and Future President. The time is now for the youth to steer the revolution, and we shall make this country look like it was in 1990. I am ready to change this country, just check the labels and stars on my new clothes as a serious revolutionary in this country. As one revolutionary said: I have seen the future and it works. If you ask questions, you are irrelevant. Otoafraida and we will cum after you!
Speaker: Thank you, thank you, thank you, Horrible Members. On that note of the coming revolution, I shall dissolve the session till His Expired The President tells me what to do. Amen.
*Professor Joseph Diescho is a Namibian academic and writer based in Germany.
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