Pick-up lines in the Hood
For years, the men species have been subjected to the continuous and strenuous process of courting the women they love. Yes, from the wackiest of pick-up lines to the alleys of expensive restaurants, we have been to hell and back in the quest to get women to notice us.
My favourite pick-up line of all time was “You may fall from the sky, you may fall from a tree, but the best way to fall... is in love with me.” If that one did not work, I always had the “Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?” line.
If she replies that she has a boyfriend, I would always go like “I have a gold fish.” When she asked what I was referring to , I would say “Oh, sorry…I thought we were talking about things that do not matter.”
I tell you, I was a master at the game of pick-up lines. If I am in a group of five guys, I always ended up with the best pick-up line – minus the girl. I figured it must have been the squeaky voice I only managed to get rid of some two years ago. Well, some girls thought it was sexy but the majority preferred a ‘Barry White’ baritone.
At first I never quiet understood why my friends failed to make ladies laugh and love them in return, but with pick-up lines like “My love for you is like diarrhea; I can’t hold it in,” or “Hi, I am Mr. Right. I heard you were looking for me,” it is not surprising why most of them failed in their quest.
What is more fascinating gents, is what happens after you land the woman of your dreams and you are attempting the happily ever after. For starters, be warned that women might mean what they say sometimes, but they never say what they mean – never!
If she says ‘Yes’, she means ‘No’ and if she says ‘No’ she means…’No’. A ‘maybe’ also qualifies as a ‘No’ - she is simply using this to give herself more time to gather her courage before she turns you off diplomatically.
If you are in a furniture shop attempting to play man of the 90s and she spots a cushy sofa, lean against your shoulder and say “Honey, we need this sofa,” she basically means “I have never liked the sofas you inherited from your grand-ma but did not have the courage to tell you until now…”
After a heated argument, you make it up to her by running her a warm bath with all those funny salts they claim to relax a person’s body, and some cucumber slices for her eyes and announce “Honey, your bath is ready.” As she makes her way to the bathroom you ask her if she is still upset with you, to which she replies “Of cause not, honey”
What she actually means is “Of cause I am still upset with you, moron! No one talks that way about my Brazilian hair extensions and get away with it.”
The worst moment of all, however is when she looks you straight into the eyes as you come home after work, and in a frank voice reminiscent of your lady boss say “Charles Vanguaa Tjatindi, we need to talk.”
This will be the best time to confess all about your office romance with Sara. Also, don’t forget to tell her how you hate her father’s after-dinner stories in which he is always the hero.
The trick, however, is to make sure she is not simply intending asking your permission to change from Brazilian hair to Indian weaves. Be careful gents, you might end up confessing for nothing.
On the other hand, if she sits you down and asks you “Honey, how much do you love me…”, be sure to brace yourself for any possible bad news ranging from “I have always faked it since day one” to “Dennis, my Ex, was a rodeo man between the sheets”
Although such statements hurt a man beyond any reprise, we are bound to naïvely follow up with questions like “So, how did he do it…” or “Who was on top…”
Eish, guess a dude always gotta learn the hard way.
Until then…
[email protected]
My favourite pick-up line of all time was “You may fall from the sky, you may fall from a tree, but the best way to fall... is in love with me.” If that one did not work, I always had the “Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?” line.
If she replies that she has a boyfriend, I would always go like “I have a gold fish.” When she asked what I was referring to , I would say “Oh, sorry…I thought we were talking about things that do not matter.”
I tell you, I was a master at the game of pick-up lines. If I am in a group of five guys, I always ended up with the best pick-up line – minus the girl. I figured it must have been the squeaky voice I only managed to get rid of some two years ago. Well, some girls thought it was sexy but the majority preferred a ‘Barry White’ baritone.
At first I never quiet understood why my friends failed to make ladies laugh and love them in return, but with pick-up lines like “My love for you is like diarrhea; I can’t hold it in,” or “Hi, I am Mr. Right. I heard you were looking for me,” it is not surprising why most of them failed in their quest.
What is more fascinating gents, is what happens after you land the woman of your dreams and you are attempting the happily ever after. For starters, be warned that women might mean what they say sometimes, but they never say what they mean – never!
If she says ‘Yes’, she means ‘No’ and if she says ‘No’ she means…’No’. A ‘maybe’ also qualifies as a ‘No’ - she is simply using this to give herself more time to gather her courage before she turns you off diplomatically.
If you are in a furniture shop attempting to play man of the 90s and she spots a cushy sofa, lean against your shoulder and say “Honey, we need this sofa,” she basically means “I have never liked the sofas you inherited from your grand-ma but did not have the courage to tell you until now…”
After a heated argument, you make it up to her by running her a warm bath with all those funny salts they claim to relax a person’s body, and some cucumber slices for her eyes and announce “Honey, your bath is ready.” As she makes her way to the bathroom you ask her if she is still upset with you, to which she replies “Of cause not, honey”
What she actually means is “Of cause I am still upset with you, moron! No one talks that way about my Brazilian hair extensions and get away with it.”
The worst moment of all, however is when she looks you straight into the eyes as you come home after work, and in a frank voice reminiscent of your lady boss say “Charles Vanguaa Tjatindi, we need to talk.”
This will be the best time to confess all about your office romance with Sara. Also, don’t forget to tell her how you hate her father’s after-dinner stories in which he is always the hero.
The trick, however, is to make sure she is not simply intending asking your permission to change from Brazilian hair to Indian weaves. Be careful gents, you might end up confessing for nothing.
On the other hand, if she sits you down and asks you “Honey, how much do you love me…”, be sure to brace yourself for any possible bad news ranging from “I have always faked it since day one” to “Dennis, my Ex, was a rodeo man between the sheets”
Although such statements hurt a man beyond any reprise, we are bound to naïvely follow up with questions like “So, how did he do it…” or “Who was on top…”
Eish, guess a dude always gotta learn the hard way.
Until then…
[email protected]
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